Kate the Great (buirbe) wrote in beproud,
Kate the Great
buirbe
beproud

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I am where I am. : )

I am in love and he is leaving. I have thought a lot about whether or not I would want to follow him. Whether or not I could. Leave my family and my friends and my unfocused rapid eye movement dreams and follow him. And it's funny, because if everything was set, if everything was accomplished maybe I could consider it. If my career and my finances and my aspirations were all at least partly fulfilled I'd have something to think about. But even if you're willing to give up what you've accomplished, it's a lot to give up what you have yet to realize. To give up your potential. An anything, anywhere potential. And that's all I have right now: infinity. I don't think I could relinquish that for anything else. Even a simpler, perhaps more content life. Even a life with my own children. [who i would sing to and read to and hold and protect and push; little people to love and teach and safeguard until they can sing and read and protect and push the world all by their beautiful selves; beautiful little people.] I believe if he asked me to join him, I would say no. I would stay where I am [growing growing growing].

It's a decision I have not had to make. Because he has not yet asked me to make it. And maybe he won't. Maybe for all our talk of the future and passion in the present I will find myself at a loss for a love that wasn't quite returned. I don't know. I know this, though. I've had to think about it, and I've realized just how much being me means. Tallied and compared what my everyday is worth to me. How it equates to another version of myself. And I've come out on top. Me, right now, as me, comes out on top. That is so wonderful. Shocking, and wonderful. To know, that given anything else, you want to be doing what it is you have chosen to do, today.
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